SHUTTING THE DOOR 2

I have had friends say to me this past week, why I am putting this experience in writing,  they wonder why I am according to them bringing back painful memories.  I understand why they ask me this question.  It is because the story makes them cry and uncomfortable.   This is not geared to make others pity me or weep over me.  I am fine, honestly; God has done some major work and so when I say I am fine, I mean exactly that.

 While I appreciate their concerns let me quickly say here that the feeling has been amazing and fulfilling. To have gone through all this and now realize that God can use it is amazing.  It means I didn’t go through in vain.  Will I choose to be used this way if I had the choice? Of course not! But isn’t God God?  Above all, nothing takes God by surprise; He must have allowed me to go through the challenge to understand the grief and pain of losing a loved one, in order to fulfill purpose.  So rather than moan over the pain now, I am looking at this whole experience through the lens of PURPOSE.

 I am of the opinion that the true way to healing for me is to remember and keep his memory alive. He was part of my life, we did life together; burying my feelings and never talking about it is not the way out; I feel it’s ok to speak his name and remember him, that alone gives me great joy.

For the first time in these 10 years, I can sincerely say that I can take and deep breath and exhale in satisfaction, knowing God finds even this ugly situation useful.  It was blogging about it that has given me this power to exhale. The opportunity to share now makes me grateful to God for upholding me all this years, and bringing me in contact with the people in my circle of influence right now.

Be rest assured we are not only on earth to satisfy our desires, we are on earth to bring changes, and become more like God, transforming our mess in to a message to alter the background of pain and the sufferings so as to produce something of value.

2 Corinthian 1:3-5.  Blessed is the God father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of mercies and God of all comfort. Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we may be able to comfort those experiencing any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God; For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow towards us, so also our comfort through Christ overflow to you.

For me, this is part of life and this is part of PURPOSE, I am obligated to do this at this time and season, with hope that what I have learned from this tragedy might help someone new to widowhood experience peace and comfort to carry on and triumphantly even in the face of her own adversity.

 I pray that the Lord Almighty will comfort you, cause you to laugh at the confusion, and smile through the tears. Never forget someday everything will make perfect sense, hold on.

Back to our story, true to the words of my friend and sister, who was still with me after the burial, my family was advised to take me back home; with the promise that I will be updated on what the next step will be for me after the family meeting.  Little did I know it was a ploy to get me back to my family...  Even though I wondered who was holding the meeting as all his siblings had left back to their stations.  

The next day I left for my home, with little or nothing to do. Even though I had a job immediately after my youth services, when we just got married, Charles had asked me to stop work especially as we were yet to have children. So here I was widowed under 30years with no job and no clear indication where I was headed after that time out.

Where I was, I thought of all that we had planned to achieve together and it dawned on me; I will from this point have to do life by myself!  This was scarier than I can tell you now…

As a result of some of the thoughtless talk people were making when they came to visit, I told my family that I wanted to be alone, to reduce the visitors I see, but they disagreed, because they felt it will do me good to have people around. I gradually started falling into depression, I couldn’t handle it anymore, and I had to put up an attitude that will make my visitors believe I was doing well to reduce the talk and there started my journey to pretense land.

Grief is a terrible thing and the face and stages are many; if only I had someone who had been there to walk me through.  Even though no one could understand, I still had God and that was more than anything or anyone else.

What stage of grief are you in? how many times have you said the words ‘I am doing okay’ even though you were lying.  Not to worry, even this stage will pass.  Remember, God will never leave you nor forsake you…Should you need to share with someone who knows please send me me a mail at comfortofcomfort@gmail.com

Till next week.  You are loved!

Peace

SHUTTING THE DOOR

The burial day came sooner than I had hoped. 

All the arrangements had been made; travel, casket, burial rites and all other things I wasn’t privy to.  The day preceding the burial we left Lagos very early for Abraka in Delta State.  All the way, I was so afraid; not knowing how to handle questions about his death.  Even before this day I had heard wind that I was going to be asked specifically what happened to Charles.  This was extremely uncomfortable for me to even think of.  Did it even occur to anyone I was far away from where the incident occurred? If I am asked, what was my answer expected to be?  To say a lot went through my mind is an under-statement.  This state of not been sure what to expect was mental torment for me.  However, I was at the same time filled with the hope that with members of my family around, I will receive a bit more consoling.

 

We arrived  Abraka late in the night and I was taken straight to Charles’ family compound where I would stay till the burial rite was over.  Surprisingly I was warmly received,with so many things going through my mind, I wanted to retire to bed immediately;  I wasn’t in in the right frame of mind to talk to anyone but  I cried all night, why was not in my home town for something different rather than to bury Charles? Somewhere deep inside I looked forward to see his body; like Mary and Martha in John 11, I hoped Jesus will show up and intervene.  But this was not meant to be, as I never set my eyes on him again.

 I was denied the opportunity to say goodbye to my husband of six years. Even as I pleaded with the little strength left in me to be allowed to say a few words in his honour nobody responded.   I started to call him with a loud voice, but of course he was dead and couldn’t hear me anymore.  It seemed like right before my eyes he disappeared from sight and my life was left empty.  There are no words to describe how I felt that fateful day.  I needed this closure but none thought to give it.

Support was indeed great from both family and friends for a while but within 3 days after the burial, everyone had traveled back to their stations and I was left alone sitting on the floor in that room.  I remember asking the only person left with me, what next was expected of me traditionally and she looked at my in pain...was silent for a while, then said “I don’t know either, those to sit for the meeting with the elders, have also traveled back to Lagos and you can’t be left alone here; I believe you will be advised to go back to your family”.  She whispered.

That day I can dropped the mask I had put on for people and the raw emotions showed and I wept like I had never wept before.  Yet even on the floor where I was alone and in deep pain  I could still hear God say, my grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in your  weakness 2 Corinthian 12:9.

I knew the wisest thing to do was to turn completely to God;   all I could do, was ask for grace continuously, depending and relying on Him for help. 

So maybe you are not in this very raw place of pain or perhaps your pain is even deeper than I am able to describe; the word of God says there is no temptation come upon man that is peculiar.  Someone else has gone through something similar and they survived…as matter of fact they prevailed.  You can too, let your focus be on how you will respond in all of this… look unto Jesus the author and finisher of your faith… He knows and He will bind your wounds, pour his oil upon you and heal you in Jesus name.  It has taken me 10 years to get here; my prayer is that your own healing comes faster than mine.  

All of that will be determined by how you respond… till next week, when we will look at the different stages of grief and how you can accelerate the process remember that God is the father of the fatherless and the husband of the widow.  He sees you and He will come and save you.

Send an email  to comfortofcomfort@gmail.com should you need to talk or just unburden… I am eagerly waiting to travel through with you.

You are loved.

Peace

REACTIONS AND RESPONSES

Welcome.  

How have you held up since the last post? It is my sincere prayer that the pain dulls sometime too.  Today I want us to look at reactions and responses.  Someone sent me a message asking what the reactions of those around me were at the time.  

When things like this happen, I found out you have a lot more than just yourself to consider.  In my case there was my aging mother, my brothers and sister, and my friends on the one hand then there were those who for lack of a better description I will call the Vultures.  My mother was worried stiff, she knew how close knit I was with Charles and she didn’t think I would survive it.  My brothers worried about tradition, they wondered if those six years of my life were wasted (because unfortunately I and Charles had no children).  My elder brother kept running from one person to the other doing his utmost best to protect me as best as he knew how.  

The other group was mostly interested in what Charles might have left behind.  I was summoned within a couple of days and asked to produce documents to landed properties, some went to the organization where he worked and quickly submitted a death certificate I didn’t know existed.    All these within the first week of his death!

At a time like this where do you turn to? Who will fight for you because I certainly didn’t have the stamina to fight anyone.  I was blessed with support and wise counsel; I had people tell me consistently that my water may have spilled, but my pot isn’t broken.  I guess I am saying the support and relationships you have prior to a tough time such as the one I described above matters a lot. 

The respect and regards, I enjoyed as Charles wife disappeared, no wonder in 1 Samuel 4:21-22, Eli’s daughter in-law named her newly born child Ichabod, when she heard the news of her husband’s death, “ saying the glory has departed” I felt caged with no hope of freedom. I remembered making a call to a member of the family, who I can say is one of Charles confidant to verify an issue, the harsh response was unbelievable I wondered for a while if Charles could see the events that were unfolding. Then it dawned on me immediately that there was no Charles to protect me anymore.

I felt as if God had forgotten me, my spirit was vexed. I wondered how God could watch and allow me go through the humiliation… is this how you treat those who call on your name? I hollered! For a while I didn’t feel like talking to Him, but because my Bible was on my bed, I flipped open and behold Isaiah 41:10-13

 

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand, behold all those who were incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced; they shall be as nothing and those who strive with you shall perish, you shall seek them and not find them, those who war against you shall be as nothing, as a non-existing thing, for I the Lord your God will hold your right hand, saying to you, Fear not I will help you”.

I knew immediately God was speaking, I knew He was right there with me, I breathe a sigh of relieve and never took my eyes off that scripture again. Whenever it felt tough, I reminded Him of His words.

So to answer the question how did I react, I will quickly say that my state of mind didn’t afford me the opportunity to react, instead I responded, so what I could find I handed over to them, some of my friends also took hold of what they could so that I will be able to start over as easy as possible considering.

In Africa and especially in some parts of Nigeria, culture says a wife cannot inherit from her husband; instead his siblings will take what he left and if the widow is lucky will be sent on her way with whatever clothes she had on her at the time the incident happened.

Today’s tip is worship; when your world crumbles and when the vultures swoop you can either react or you can respond, I was fortunate to find someone who pointed me in the direction of worship and that has been my anchor since then.  Even today when it is tough I know to hide myself in worship.  Make sure you surround yourself with people who understand the sovereignty of God and who can not only pray but can worship, it helps.  Also, get worship CDS and let them play constantly around you, they help make the depression and gloom lift.

I make bold to say that despite what they tried to do to me; I lost my husband and friend and they tried to break my spirit but with worship, prayer, a strong support and God showing up in the darkest hours with His Word, today I am more than a survivor I am victorious.

I know it is dark for you; I know the vultures are hovering if they are yet to swoop, I know you have fears and worries, I know you have questions.  The one thing is never get yourself in a space when you have to react, respond with love when you can but keep your focus on God who fights for the fatherless and is the husband of the widow.  He did fight for me, it was years and years after, but he did fight for me and your case cannot be different.

Till next week, hold on God is here, He sees and He knows and He will come and save you…because whether you know it or not today, your life is not over; there is still a lot more for you to become.

You are loved.

Peace

WHEN THE BUBBLE BURST (2)

 

I woke up early, packed more cloths for Charles, since he didn’t plan to stay long, while getting set for the journey, my Pastor and his wife walked in, and met some of my in-laws that were already with me, I was happy believing he wanted to pray before I embarked on the trip, he made me sit, waiting for the prayer to commence, all I was hearing were words of encouragement, I felt as if I was being delayed, since I couldn’t walk out on them I sat patiently for him to finish, believe me, no negative thought crossed my mind; I was eagerly looking forward to was seeing Charles.

Somehow it dawned on me that the atmosphere had changed and there was silence, Charles was shot in Warri, on his way from the Bank he said, but couldn’t make it to the hospital, I can’t remember hearing anything more, my life ended, my world crashed, I couldn’t breathe, my strength failed, I didn’t see any reason to live anymore, when I opened my eyes, I was at the hospital. I wanted to speak to Charles; I knew he would answer his baby’s call, as he normally calls me, when he hears my voice; all I wanted was my phone, feeling within me, that he needs my help, to go through the difficult situation… “He is alone God” I murmured to myself. 

My grief was raw and the edges of my pain sharp I couldn’t be consoled, I was completely and utterly lost. When I leave the hospital, who will I be going back home to?  is it the crowd already waiting to console me? Can it be true there is no hope of seeing him again?  Is this a dream? A million questions raced through my mind… even though I was sedated, I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking...

What could I have done, that I didn’t do, is it that, maybe I didn’t pray enough, immediately I remembered that the entire church was fasting, and we were participating in the fast, does it mean that God no longer answered prayers, or is it that my faith is been tried? More questions…

I said to the person by my bed side, make sure you communicate with everyone that Charles shouldn’t be put in the morgue, he is alive and God will take His glory in this situation, I know he will wake up. Jesus raised Lazarus that was dead and buried for four days back to life in John 11…this was a work over situation.

Charles cannot be dead; but can my Pastor and in-laws be lying? To compound the matter, Charles hasn’t called me. As a matter of fact with benefit of hindsight, I was confused, afraid and determined not to accept the bad news.

My heart was aching, too painful to bear, missing him was hard, but the idea of never seeing him again was the hardest thing to contend with. How am I going to carry on?  My chances of surviving this is slim; “Lord I can’t cope”; I said.

So maybe your pain is still raw and you have no idea if the night will ever turn to day again; this is 10 years later and I can tell you night didn’t become day in one day, but somehow, I can see the light again.  I hold on to memories and I trust God for a full life because if I am still here, I must still have something to give.

You have to take your time, but I can tell you because I know, that with time, even this night will become day again…

Till next week, when I bring you all the reactions from those around me.  Hold on to God, it is only in Him you will find the comfort you seek.  In Hebrews 13: 5 God says  “…I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support.  I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let you down, nor relax my hold on you”. (Amplified version).

Remember that I am just an email away, I can walk with you through this dark hour; I have been there remember.  Send your email to comfortofcomfort@gmail.com.

You are loved.

Peace