SHUTTING THE DOOR 2

I have had friends say to me this past week, why I am putting this experience in writing,  they wonder why I am according to them bringing back painful memories.  I understand why they ask me this question.  It is because the story makes them cry and uncomfortable.   This is not geared to make others pity me or weep over me.  I am fine, honestly; God has done some major work and so when I say I am fine, I mean exactly that.

 While I appreciate their concerns let me quickly say here that the feeling has been amazing and fulfilling. To have gone through all this and now realize that God can use it is amazing.  It means I didn’t go through in vain.  Will I choose to be used this way if I had the choice? Of course not! But isn’t God God?  Above all, nothing takes God by surprise; He must have allowed me to go through the challenge to understand the grief and pain of losing a loved one, in order to fulfill purpose.  So rather than moan over the pain now, I am looking at this whole experience through the lens of PURPOSE.

 I am of the opinion that the true way to healing for me is to remember and keep his memory alive. He was part of my life, we did life together; burying my feelings and never talking about it is not the way out; I feel it’s ok to speak his name and remember him, that alone gives me great joy.

For the first time in these 10 years, I can sincerely say that I can take and deep breath and exhale in satisfaction, knowing God finds even this ugly situation useful.  It was blogging about it that has given me this power to exhale. The opportunity to share now makes me grateful to God for upholding me all this years, and bringing me in contact with the people in my circle of influence right now.

Be rest assured we are not only on earth to satisfy our desires, we are on earth to bring changes, and become more like God, transforming our mess in to a message to alter the background of pain and the sufferings so as to produce something of value.

2 Corinthian 1:3-5.  Blessed is the God father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of mercies and God of all comfort. Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we may be able to comfort those experiencing any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God; For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow towards us, so also our comfort through Christ overflow to you.

For me, this is part of life and this is part of PURPOSE, I am obligated to do this at this time and season, with hope that what I have learned from this tragedy might help someone new to widowhood experience peace and comfort to carry on and triumphantly even in the face of her own adversity.

 I pray that the Lord Almighty will comfort you, cause you to laugh at the confusion, and smile through the tears. Never forget someday everything will make perfect sense, hold on.

Back to our story, true to the words of my friend and sister, who was still with me after the burial, my family was advised to take me back home; with the promise that I will be updated on what the next step will be for me after the family meeting.  Little did I know it was a ploy to get me back to my family...  Even though I wondered who was holding the meeting as all his siblings had left back to their stations.  

The next day I left for my home, with little or nothing to do. Even though I had a job immediately after my youth services, when we just got married, Charles had asked me to stop work especially as we were yet to have children. So here I was widowed under 30years with no job and no clear indication where I was headed after that time out.

Where I was, I thought of all that we had planned to achieve together and it dawned on me; I will from this point have to do life by myself!  This was scarier than I can tell you now…

As a result of some of the thoughtless talk people were making when they came to visit, I told my family that I wanted to be alone, to reduce the visitors I see, but they disagreed, because they felt it will do me good to have people around. I gradually started falling into depression, I couldn’t handle it anymore, and I had to put up an attitude that will make my visitors believe I was doing well to reduce the talk and there started my journey to pretense land.

Grief is a terrible thing and the face and stages are many; if only I had someone who had been there to walk me through.  Even though no one could understand, I still had God and that was more than anything or anyone else.

What stage of grief are you in? how many times have you said the words ‘I am doing okay’ even though you were lying.  Not to worry, even this stage will pass.  Remember, God will never leave you nor forsake you…Should you need to share with someone who knows please send me me a mail at comfortofcomfort@gmail.com

Till next week.  You are loved!

Peace