PRETENCE

 Welcome, we are in a new month already and I know what you are thinking right now, you are thinking that another month is gone by, it seems life truly is going on and yet nothing has changed about your situation.  The tendency to begrudge others the peace and calm they have in their own lives right now is building, and maybe justifiably so.  However, unfortunately that is the reality of the life you now have; it is a different kind of normal, but you must determine to go on.

When we are hit with the kind of reality that Charles’ death presented me, the first instinct is to try and find out if it had ever happened to another…because we want to find out how they fixed it so we can too.  So I started my search in the Bible, and I found one story in Genesis 38, the story of Tamar who was asked by her father in-law to return to her family and remain a widow, with no intention of bringing her back to marry his youngest son seeing he had lost two sons already and partially blamed her for their demise. I also read that Tamar had to resort to pretence and deceit if you like to get her own back.

Surely God included this story in the Bible to guide those that will walk the same so they can relate; but the more I read the story, the more hatred and anger I felt, as their plans to wipe every trace of my life with Charles out became clearer and frustrating.  However, this was the least of my issues at this point, I was still dealing with my own pretension.

To get family and friends off my back with their counsel that was meant to help but wasn’t; especially my mum, who was checking up on me every second to know how I was doing. I also resorted to pretense.  I started to fake my smiles and pretend that I was healing.  The truth however was that I was dying of heartache. I remember my mother walking into my room with a glance and said ‘I know you are not happy… I can see it in your eyes, I don’t understand why you are keeping it all to yourself? Why do you wait till you are alone at night and cry, you can try to fool everyone, but not me’.  Rather than allow myself the opportunity to cry on her shoulder though, I dug deeper into my world of pretense.

 After a while with no news from my in-law, just like the four Lepers in 2 king 7:3-4, not knowing what next at stake for me, I decided that rather than sit down with nothing doing and be the object of pity, I will return to Lagos and begin to pick up the pieces of my life again.  I spoke to my mother about it but she was scared and wouldn’t allow me. As I persisted in telling her it was what I wanted and tried to answer her questions to allay her fears; with the help of my siblings she finally succumbed.

However, I had no idea where I was returning to stay as the key to our apartment had been taken from me and I had no idea what the plan was. However, I remembered that one of the relatives who lived with us had a spare key and with that I was able to get into the apartment when I got back.  I was told that the plan was to ensure that all documents that showed I was ever married to Charles were hidden so they could claim his gratuity which was why they didn’t want me back in Lagos so I wouldn’t be in a position to fight them.

The truth is I didn’t want to live in that flat again, and I wasn’t in the mood to fight anyone; however, I needed a place to stay. I went to the apartment to gather my stuff, left everything that belonged to Charles and went to stay with a friend. I was gradually waking up to the reality that this was my life now… but something unbelievable happened.

The day I went to move my things my neighbor's daughter handed me an envelope; I no idea of what was in it; but surprisingly it contained bank documents in my name, she said Charles had her paying in money into that account monthly for me but told her not to tell me… he was still looking out for me!  I went back into the house and wept the same way, I did the day he was being buried. The issue of how I was getting money to rent an apartment disappeared. I didn’t have to worry for another 4 years how I was going to pay for my rent.

I know you are hurting and may even be at the same stage where you are pretending all is well and getting ready to piece together what used to be your life… what I can tell you is that there is a help for you somewhere… you will be amazed where it will come for.  Imagine, that for four years, I could pay my rent!  That was a fresh start only God could give me.  If He did it for me, He will do it for you too.

Just hold on because your help is on the way.  Remember weeping may endure for the night but joy cometh in the morning… I await your email comfortofcomfort@gmail.com.

You are loved

Peace