It’s amazing sometimes, when an incident like this
happens, people tend to make a lot of suggestions, they believed I wasn’t
in the right frame of mind to take decisive decisions, my experience was mostly
on the area of protection, out of fear of being hurt I was guided daily
on whom to keep away from and whom to be close to, most times it was
frustrating, my personality had to adapt; forcing me to find new ways of
self-expression. The truth is that at this stage the last thing I wanted to
deal with was putting up with rules and regulations.
Against how I would normally live I had to start learning to be careful with people to avoid being misunderstood.
Against how I would normally live I had to start learning to be careful with people to avoid being misunderstood.
I suddenly
realized that anger and bitterness had eaten deep into me, the people I could take a bullet for, are the ones
behind the trigger, I got mad with myself to have being fooled for years
without realizing it, I was suddenly exposed to risks and danger
that I didn’t know existed before.
It became apparent I needed to learn
how to set boundaries that hitherto were unnecessary.
I needed answers so I
decided to travel to Warri, Delta state, where he was shot even though I
couldn’t do anything tangible, I was looking for answers and anything was
better than nothing at this point. I visited the Police station in charge
of the case, after series of interrogation, I pleaded with them, with tears in
my eyes… I want to know how my husband died, I shouldn’t be denied, such
information, Charles will want me to know I told them, fortunately I got the
police report, it did not do much good, all I wanted was for his killer punished badly.
Each step of the way anger
filled my heart, I felt denied of my happiness and life,. It pained my soul
that his killer was walking free on the street, but there was little or nothing
I could do. There is nothing in life more painful than losing a loved one with
whom I had built a life and have no answers; I didn’t have any reason why I
should forgive anyone, even when though I knew what the Bible said about
forgiveness.
Fear was also one of the
many reasons for my anger, I had thought I have left the era of being single,
only to find myself back, with the responsibility to dealing and paying my
bills myself… every time I had to pay my rent, even though the first 4 year was
flexible to pay, as a result of the money Charles has deposited in the account
he opened in my name, I was reminded this wasn’t my responsibility and the
anger in my bosom heightened.
However, even in the mist of
the bitterness and hate I was exuding, God was still reaching out to me; He
connected me with a boss who at the end of the first four years took it upon
himself to pay my rent. My life was different; I had returned to a season
I thought I was done with for life but somehow, God still watched over me.
The issues kept springing;
there was the letter of administration to deal with. Stuff I wasn’t
prepared for and others had designs on; I could only look to God to fight for
me. The more time I spent dealing with their greed, the more offended
I became; before I knew what was happening, I was growing into a resentful and
bitter woman.
I knew this was an issue I
had to deal with, but couldn’t find it in my heart to even think about
releasing or forgiving anyone. As a result of this spiritual state I actually
strayed from God a bit however, even though I moved, He stuck with me.
If you are in the anger
stage of grief I do know what you are feeling and I can say you are justifiably
so; however in the end what I learnt was that no one was more harmed in the unforgiveness
limbo as me. I was the one who lost everything, I was the one been victimized
and yet I was the one in peril of hell because of anger and unforgiveness.
In the end like I eventually
did, you will have to let it all go. None of these were calculated to
hurt you, it is just a bad nightmare of life and while we don’t pray for it; it
does happen to people. You are the apple of God’s eye and He will never
leave you nor forsake you. Even in this dark time… He sees and watches
over you.
You are loved.
Peace
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